“The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” – Carl Jung
It’s hard to look for the light when your lost in darkness.”-Anonymous
FEAR is a deep rooted emotion and once it takes hold in your soul it's difficult to remove it. I'm a survivor of many things cancer, poverty and abuse. I lived in an abusive relationship for 34 years. I had to deal with the fact that every aspect of my life had been affected by that abuse.I felt like I was always walking on eggshells around my ex-husband 24 -7, constantly watching what I said and did in order to avoid a blow-up
After all these years I need my ex to be aware of what that means and I need him to stop the abuse. Even now when he is around me he is disrespectful and threatens me. He feels an uncontrollable need even now to control me even though we are divorced.
He came to my work and stole my SUV the day after my birthday(10/13) because he could. Not for any other reason. He even called me and told me he was going to do this because I would not give him cash every month for the car payment. His name was on the title and the financing was in his name even though I got the SUV from the divorce. MY payments were all paid ahead of time and there was no excuse for him to take the car except again because he could.
He even went to the sheriff's dept and asked if he could be arrested, they said no, but they also told him NOT to take my car. They told him if he had a problem he needed to talk with his lawyer. All he heard was that he could take it. It's all there in the police report for all the world to read. He is a Liar!!!! The sheriff's department knows this as he lied to them too. They said he seemed agitated and out of control that day. I knew what that meant as I had been around him when his mood was like that it meant you better hide... They were worried about me after they talked to him and gave me the phone number to protective services and I called them. I'm not taking anything from him, I will put him in jail if he ever puts his hands on me again!!!
After all these years I need my ex to be aware of what that means and I need him to stop the abuse. Even now when he is around me he is disrespectful and threatens me. He feels an uncontrollable need even now to control me even though we are divorced.
He came to my work and stole my SUV the day after my birthday(10/13) because he could. Not for any other reason. He even called me and told me he was going to do this because I would not give him cash every month for the car payment. His name was on the title and the financing was in his name even though I got the SUV from the divorce. MY payments were all paid ahead of time and there was no excuse for him to take the car except again because he could.
He even went to the sheriff's dept and asked if he could be arrested, they said no, but they also told him NOT to take my car. They told him if he had a problem he needed to talk with his lawyer. All he heard was that he could take it. It's all there in the police report for all the world to read. He is a Liar!!!! The sheriff's department knows this as he lied to them too. They said he seemed agitated and out of control that day. I knew what that meant as I had been around him when his mood was like that it meant you better hide... They were worried about me after they talked to him and gave me the phone number to protective services and I called them. I'm not taking anything from him, I will put him in jail if he ever puts his hands on me again!!!
I realize I need his admission that he is doing something wrong to me.I need him to admit his past treatment was brutal to me. I'm also smart enough to know I will never get this admission from him. He has aspects to him that are wonderful and amazing. It was why I fell desperately in love with him. He was after all my prince charming. Those are the things that keep you hooked. He has another side which is also part of his personality that is dark and dangerous.That is a side few people ever see. I and my family have seen this side of him.
My father once threatened my ex-husband.You see he was trying to kidnap me against my will from my dad's home as that is where I went to escape his abuse. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to fight him off as he was trying to shove me in the car. My father heard and ran out to stop him. I was 16 years old at that time... He came back later and cried and begged me to forgive him and swore he would never do it again. That's how they all are. It's a cycle that never ends.
He will tell you he never hurt me and in his eyes he didn't. He after all had seen his brother and father do much worse things to their girlfriends and wife's.I mean he only slapped me,choked me, threw me up against the wall and threatened to kill me more times than I can count. It's not like he broke my nose, ribs, or I had two black eyes? I only had bruises that could be explained away except the ones around my throat. In an abusive relationship you learn very quickly what you can and cannot do, it's a survival skill that's acquired from great pain and fear. FEAR is a great motivator. He never understood how his treatment was terrorizing me. Truthfully I don't think I understood just how afraid I was of him until I finally broke free. When I stopped taking anxiety and stomach medication everyday was when it slowly started dawning on me just how afraid I was of him.
I can remember one of the most traumatizing times for me. We had just gotten married and we traveled to Virgina Beach VA he was going there to work with his father and brother. One day I had been laying out by the pool just soaking up sun. The pool boy spoke to me and I spoke back. It was all very Innocent, but his brother saw the guy speak to me. When my ex found out he was so angry at me he grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the pool and up to our room where he proceeded to squeeze my bottom lip until it popped open all the way across. I can still remember after all these years the way that felt, the pressure building until it exploded and the metallic taste of blood as it poured from my lip into my mouth and down my chin.
He then proceeded to slap me and throw me around while his brother and father listened in the other room. Thinking no doubt that I somehow deserved it, and perhaps that he was after all was becoming a man like them. I was only 17 years old... The single most outstanding thing about that episode is that I would bet my last last penny that he would not recall any of that. Except the part about the pool boy. I on the other hand could tell you in meticulous detail everything that happened from the moment he dragged me away from the pool. I can recall the swimsuit I was wearing, the angle of the sun, how many steps we had to climb up to our room, the color of the bedspread that he threw me upon and the sounds of my own screams. He was a very jealous and possessive man when it came to me.
He then proceeded to slap me and throw me around while his brother and father listened in the other room. Thinking no doubt that I somehow deserved it, and perhaps that he was after all was becoming a man like them. I was only 17 years old... The single most outstanding thing about that episode is that I would bet my last last penny that he would not recall any of that. Except the part about the pool boy. I on the other hand could tell you in meticulous detail everything that happened from the moment he dragged me away from the pool. I can recall the swimsuit I was wearing, the angle of the sun, how many steps we had to climb up to our room, the color of the bedspread that he threw me upon and the sounds of my own screams. He was a very jealous and possessive man when it came to me.
The day I left my husband was also a day that will forever live in my mind. He had been under a tremendous amount of stress, his mother had died and he had unresolved issues with her, then his business was failing, and last but not least the county was coming down hard on him about installing a $30,000.00 dollar septic system in the new home he bought. I was scared everyday because all of his fury was directed at me.That last morning I remember being asleep in bed and I woke up to the mattress being turned over on top of me. I struggled to stand up and straighten the mattress when he stormed around the bed and started screaming at me.
His veins were bulging in his neck, face blood red, and I just stood there not saying a word nor making eye contact. I knew if I open my mouth what would happen, he had a crazed look in his eye that day that told me he would kill me. Which is what he told me as he slammed me up against the closet door with his hands wrapped around my throat. Did he slap me that day no, but I have NO doubt if I had provoked him in any way I would have been seriously hurt. I had seen him out of control before but NEVER like that.
When he finally finished with me he left and I got dressed as quickly as I could and ran for my life that day. The only way to describe how I felt at that moment was a bone weary sadness, my spirit felt depleted, I was empty inside, along with the realization that if I stayed that his abuse and infidelities would define the rest of my life because he would never change. I realized with a clarity that only the desperate can know that I would rather be alone than to live like that anymore. The "fear of staying" had finally triumphed out over the "fear of leaving".
His veins were bulging in his neck, face blood red, and I just stood there not saying a word nor making eye contact. I knew if I open my mouth what would happen, he had a crazed look in his eye that day that told me he would kill me. Which is what he told me as he slammed me up against the closet door with his hands wrapped around my throat. Did he slap me that day no, but I have NO doubt if I had provoked him in any way I would have been seriously hurt. I had seen him out of control before but NEVER like that.
When he finally finished with me he left and I got dressed as quickly as I could and ran for my life that day. The only way to describe how I felt at that moment was a bone weary sadness, my spirit felt depleted, I was empty inside, along with the realization that if I stayed that his abuse and infidelities would define the rest of my life because he would never change. I realized with a clarity that only the desperate can know that I would rather be alone than to live like that anymore. The "fear of staying" had finally triumphed out over the "fear of leaving".
My ex-husband comes from a history of abuse. His father always abused his women and even spent time in prison for manslaughter. His brother spent 8 years in Angola prison in LA for attempted murder and confessed to murdering a friend by shooting him in the back of the head and pouring battery acid over his dead body. I also took one of his brother's girlfriends to the hospital with a few broken ribs and another one who had her black eyes swollen shut. I saw this violence against women on a regular basis and I lived in constant fear of his temper. Wondering if he was capable of damaging me even more severely than he already had. I tried desperately to become the "Perfect Wife" but nothing I did was ever good enough. He once told me that maybe he did have unrealistic expectations of me, but he loved me so much that he could not settle for less than perfect.
I have learned a few things about abusers and their cruelty from first hand experience. Now my ex-husband could change his behavior, but it is his choice and how far he takes that is completely up to him, and at any point he could choose to stop. He has a ruthless, volatile nature. I pray for his new wife; although I warned her about his behavior she chose not to believe me. I mean really who would make all this up????
I have learned a few things about abusers and their cruelty from first hand experience. Now my ex-husband could change his behavior, but it is his choice and how far he takes that is completely up to him, and at any point he could choose to stop. He has a ruthless, volatile nature. I pray for his new wife; although I warned her about his behavior she chose not to believe me. I mean really who would make all this up????
To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed. - Written by Lynn Mari [ The Last Straw]
All these facts can easily be checked. I am many things and honest is one of them. There are many more stories I could tell but they are the same as those above, painful and emotional to share. I used to believe that my story would not have a happy ending, that I would eventually end up dead. My mother still worries about this and wishes I would move far away from him. I wish I had the resource's to do so, because after taking my SUV the other day I now know he will never give up his control over me. He sees me as his personal property.
Now to answer my question will I ever stop being afraid of him? I wish I could say yes, BUT I cannot. Unfortunately, I will always be afraid of him, the sound of his voice when he threatens me still make me tremble and my stomach knot up, BUT I will never give in to that fear again... I'm no longer helpless and at his mercy. I'm finally free.
My best friend Ramona told me that the single most important thing about me was that I did not let the adversity I encountered in my life make me bitter and angry. That I learned from it and still encompassed the “JOY” of living. I do see this life as a gift… We only get one shot at this; it’s not a trial run. So, I choose to live my life fully with joy, love and a heart filled full of hope.
Now to answer my question will I ever stop being afraid of him? I wish I could say yes, BUT I cannot. Unfortunately, I will always be afraid of him, the sound of his voice when he threatens me still make me tremble and my stomach knot up, BUT I will never give in to that fear again... I'm no longer helpless and at his mercy. I'm finally free.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6
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God is using you in so many ways, Glenda. You are His witness for all that is wrong with domestic violence, as well as all that can become of one once victimized and left to feel worthless and alone. You are His daughter and He has a shield of protection around you that can't be destroyed by any man. I love your courage and strength. Inspirational cannot fully encompass what you are to so many, including me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for using your gift of written expression to tell this story. I pray that God will take your words and use them as a blessing for others. Love you, girl!
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