My Redneck Family Funerals Part 2


Women who behave rarely go down in history…

My poor mother is sooooo ashamed of me...


  
I must tell you when I woke up the next morning my head felt like it was going to explode! I was praying to the “Lawd”myself to please forgive me for consuming the depraved drink called “white lighting” and I made a vow to him that if he ever got me to feeling better that I would never partake of that demon drink again! I stumbled out of the bathroom after kneeling before the great white porcelain throne and throwing up all the contents of my stomach. I then made a bee line right for the black liquid of redemption brewing on the counter.



As I grabbed my cup of java and starting pouring the steaming brew down my throat I heard a groan. I turned around and spread out right on the kitchen table was Cousin Lucy Lovelady (that was her stage name). I poked at her and whispered “Get up Lucy before someone sees you”. Now Lucy was one of the most famous of the family as she had been singing in “Honky Tonk’s” since she turned 21. Aunt Lou was always bragging how one of her own had finally made something of themselves.


She finally rolled off the table and said “Howdy Cuz” and asked for a cup of coffee as well. I asked why she was on the table and of course she said it had something to do with that sinful drink in the Mason jar. She said when she got here late last night everyone was having such a good time in the barn that she just couldn’t help herself and joined in the wayward fun.


She said rather mischievously “Cuz I didn’t know you could dance like that? Why I tell you truthfully you could have made a famous dancer. The way you were swinging around them poles in that barn would have put any high dollar stripper to shame!” I groaned “God no!” I had to ask mortified beyond belief “Please I begged Lucy did I keep my clothes on?” Why Lawd yes honey, after all you ani’t no floozy! I will say this I think all the family looks at you just a little bit different now. They used to think you was a little uppity but now they know for sure you is one of us through and through!” she stated proudly. Home less than 24 hours and what an impression I seemed to be making on the family.


It weren’t long before the rest of the relatives came stumbling out looking for coffee. I got a sly grin from Cousin Roy and Uncle Jimbo slapped me on the back with a tear in his eye and said girlie you done us all proud last night. I was beginning to think that the family genes just skipped right on by you but no sir-re you got your fair share!” All I could say as I looked around the now accepting faces of my wayward family was “Shucks Uncle Jimbo, you know I got all my wicked ways from you.” As everyone around the table agreed and welcomed me back into the fold.


Aunt Lou got up sometime later and went to the funeral parlor. A relative on her Mama’s side of the family gave her some money for a fancy funeral. I learned later that was why Lucy came home. Aunt Lou wanted her to sing at Uncle Jackson’s service. Now Lucy had a nice voice but I had never heard her sing anything but country music and well quite truthfully “Redneck Woman” and “ Fancy” seemed to be a few of her favorite songs and I didn’t think those would go over well at the service. As I glanced around the kitchen table and witnessed Uncle Jimbo scratch the family jewels and Cousin Skeeter fart. I stopped to reconsider those songs. It might be just what this family needed to hear. My God I thought this couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong again.


Now walking through the door at that moment was none other that the Baptist preacher that had been praying at Aunt Stella's temple! Apparently Aunt Lou had asked him to the house. I was starting to get a little worried when I head someone ask him what was he doing here and he said “Your Aunt Lou asked me to perform the service” as I choked on my coffee cousin Lucy slapped me on my back! He said "Mrs. Lou wanted me to come by this morning to talk about the service" Now most of the family was snickering and making little comments about how the Lawd's work could be so rewarding saving all those women’s souls and such and wanting to know just what did a person half to do to become a pastor? I groaned and wondered where the moonshine jar was when you needed it!


Fortunately I was saved when Aunt Lou walked through the backdoor and asked us to remove ourselves from the kitchen so she could talk to the Pastor in private. I left that kitchen as quickly as possible because I wanted no part in whatever talk was going to take place.


We all got sobered up and showered then headed to the funeral Parlor to see Uncle Jackson. Now I must say Uncle Jackson did look awful spiffy in his new overhauls and baseball cap Aunt Lou had bought him at Wal-Mart for the occasion. He did have a smile on his face but that might have had something to do with the fact that there had been a 21 year old woman passed out next to him when he went to meet his maker.


Everyone was pleased with the funeral home and the arrangement Aunt Lou had made and even Aunt Stella seemed to be in a good mood since her “friend” would be performing the service. Now the day of the service I was quite pleased with the somber bunch that showed up at the funeral parlor. Uncle Jackson had clearly stated that he wanted women pall bearers he said a woman brought him into this world and he wanted to be carried out by them.


So Aunt Lou lined up all the young pretty relatives and made them pall bearers. She tried her best to talk me into it BUT there was NO way I was going to do that I told her I was too grief stricken to carry him out! At that point I was starting to get a little worried again and hoping it didn’t turn into a circus! As we sat down the first song that played over the PA system was a recorded song by Randy Travis he was singing Amazing Grace so I started to relax a little.


Then Cousin Lucy got up to sing and she started singing “Lord Help Me Jesus” by Kris Kristofferson. At first she started out nice and soft but by the time she got to the chorus she had her best barroom voice booming as she belted that song out! She had the crowd going feet tapping and a couple of hell yells! I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from bursting out laughing! The look on the Preachers’ face was priceless this was one of those moments in life I realized that you had to be there to see it because no one would ever believe it!



Now the shaken pastor finally gets up to speak and he mumbled a thank you for the song by Lucy. He started talking about Heaven and Hell and Jesus dying on the cross for our sins so we could all join him in Heaven when we passed away. He quoted a few scriptures and this had more than a few members of the family squirming in their seats. Next he seemed to be a man on fire for God as he started preaching filled with the Holy Spirit! He talked about sin and repentance and walking with Jesus the next thing I know he asked everyone who had not accepted Christ into their life to come on down and receive him now! Well the stampede that headed down the aisle overwhelmed me you would have thought that preacher was handing out free beer the way my family made that trip down to the alter! Asking God to forgive them for every sin they had every committed, drinking, fornicating, adultery, lying, stealing, and armed robbery. I was about to fall out in the aisle I was laughing so hard, I thought if I heard one more “Will the lawd forgive this sin too?” I would pee myself!



Finally when everyone had been forgiven by God and they returned to the pews the very satisfied Pastor said that God did indeed work in mysterious ways and he was overwhelmed that God had allowed him to help lead this many lost souls to him. I had never seem a more fulfilled preacher in my life but he did save about 35 souls that day and I’m sure that was more that he had saved all year! Then Lucy got up and in her best barroom voice she belted out on the Wings of a Snow White Dove and it brought tears to everyone’s eyes! Including mine as I was hysterical with laughter and the tears just wouldn’t stop! Then the young girls carried Uncle Jackson out to the waiting hearse. The whole family hugged me after the service as they thought I was overcome with grief!


But it truly was the sight of all my relatives and their wonderful, kooky, unconventional ways. My family may have a few rednecks but I gotta tell you truthfully I love them and all their CRAZY REDNECK ways because without them life would be very boring! They after all are my family! I know I have a little bit of redneck in me as well and I embrace it just like I do all my sexy southern charm my family gene pool has given me.



A redneck gal who kissed all the Cowboys and had a good time!




You might be a REDNECK if ~ Jeff Foxworthy

You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.


You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.


Your brother-in-law is your uncle.


Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.


Jack Daniels makes you list of "most admired' people.


Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.


You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.