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| Just a Redneck Country Girl At Heart! |
Let’s start with my dear departed Uncle Jackson. He died one sad night in January; he came home after an evening spent inebriating a large amount of his good friend Jack Daniels from the local Pub and Grub. You see Uncle Jackson fell asleep in his car and as it was 30 degrees below zero and well he just plain froze to death. Now Aunt Lou was madder than an old wet hen when she woke up and found Uncle Jackson. She said she didn’t know how anybody could freeze to death with that much alcohol in their bloodstream!
After she finally got over being mad then she started to plan his funeral. Everybody knows in the south when someone dies you bring food. So all day long food started coming in. You had potato salad, green beans, corn bread, fried chicken, lima beans, deviled eggs, pot roast, and the desserts oh my! There was red velvet cake, 7up cake, German chocolate cake, banana pudding, apple pie and good ole Georgia pecan pie. Soon after all the food arrived; all of the relatives showed up…
One thing no one is short of in the south is opinions. My dear departed Uncle Jackson used to say opinions were like assholes everybody’s got one. Now our side of the family was no different. Everyone had their ideal about how Uncle Jackson should be put away. Aunt Lou didn’t have an insurance policy on Uncle Jackson. So the family was trying to save a few bucks.
Uncle Maynard said if Aunt Lou wanted she could bury Uncle Jackson on his property; out by the horse pasture under the pecan tree. He said he would even go to the morgue and get his body in the truck to bring him home. Now Uncle Joe said he would even make him a nice pine coffin that way Aunt Lou didn’t have to spend no money. Cause he had plenty of lumber just laying around the old barn.
Now Aunt Stella had an opinion as well she thought Uncle Jackson should be cremated after all it only cost $500.00 to do that and all those fancy folks in Hollywood were doing that now. She thought we should try and have a little class.
I tell you the uproar that caused was enough to make a preacher cuss! Aunt Lou said there was no darn way in hell she would cremate Uncle Jackson. I thought that was a good ideal considering the amount of alcohol he consumed I could just see him going out in a “Blaze of Glory” so to speak and burning everything down around him as well.
Uncle Jimbo decided he would go to the morgue and get Uncle Jackson. Now Jimbo was the twin of Uncle Jackson and like him, his good friends were Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. So as Aunt Lou sent him to fetch Uncle Jackson in his pickup truck. I decided to sneak back to the kitchen, mind my own business and put up all that food that had been brought over and wash dishes.
Now I must say time did pass by rather quickly and I looked out the backdoor and noticed all the family out in the barn. I felt compelled by some strange force to go see what they were up too. That was a mistake! When I got there they were all passing around a jug of moonshine and listening to George Jones on the radio crooning “He stopped loving her today” and sayin ain’t it the truth.
I must say I had to be out of my head with grief cause when they passed that jug and asked me to have a sip; I took a swig! After that things get a little fuzzy for me. I hung out in that ole barn and sang right along with everyone to Hank Williams “I’m so lonesome I could cry” and cry we all did.
Then the next thing I became aware of was Uncle Jimbo showing up and he staring swinging me around that barn like we were at the local dance hall. To the tune of “If you got the money honey I got the time". As God as my witness the next thing I remember is looking up and seeing Uncle Jackson sitting up in Uncle Jimbo’s truck! I could have sworn he was smiling and singing right along with us!
Now at some point during all this mayhem Aunt Lou came out and started a ruckus like I ain’t never heard. She started yelling at Uncle Jimbo about being gone so long. He told Aunt Lou he just stopped to have a few drinks on the way back from the morgue at Uncle Jackson favorite’s places. He thought it was only fittin and besides Uncle Jackson was dead, it didn’t hurt a thang!
At this point I heard Aunt Stella shoutin to the Lawd that we was all heathens and going to burn in hell right alongside Uncle Jackson, drinkin and carryin on and such. We just didn’t have no respect for the dead! Now when she said Uncle Jackson was going to hell let me tell you I thought my Aunt Lou was going to blow a gasket!
She turned as red as a sun ripe tomato and started pointing her finger in Aunt Stella’s face and told her she better take her high fulutin ways and get off her property! She yelled “how dare you speak of my beloved Jackson in such a way! You think you’re so high and mighty well let me tell you something missy, we ain’t the only ones going to hell here. You think carryin on with that married preacher over in the next county is gonna get you into heaven? Well no mam it won’t, that preacher may be praying at your temple but it’s sure not the Lawd’s!
Well I must say that declaration had us all shocked into sobriety. Aunt Stella said “well I never” and Aunt Lou said “yes you did honey and more than once!” Aunt Stella stormed off in a huff and Uncle Jimbo cackled like a demented person just let loose from the loony bin. I thought to myself if the pre funeral party was this much fun I couldn’t wait for the big show.
Mark Twain once said there might not be much to see in a small town but what you hear will make up for it!
Can I have an AMEN!!!
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| They carried him away in style... |
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