The Southern Belle's guide to Southern Religion

                                                                           

I'm going to write about Southern Religion today. It's about as complex as brain surgery. We take our religion very seriously down here. I'm not taking about the football game kind of religion; although I did read a book once title "Gods in Alabama" and they were talking about football players. I'll save the other Southern Religion of football for another blog. That’s not the kind I'm talking about, today is the going to the prayer meeting on Wednesday night and to hear the gospels on Sunday morning! Sexy southern Belle's and Church are as inviting a pecan pie laced with Jack Daniels! 

There are 2 types of churches in the south we have the Baptist and the Methodist (there are more churches but most people in the south only acknowledge these two). The Methodist held its first meeting in Georgia in January of 1831 and the Baptist church was organized in 1784. They are a little more uppity because they feel like they have seniority over the Methodist. The Baptist also feel like only those who have been baptized can have holy communion, where the Methodist say come one, come all break bread and have a drink with us (they have way more fun with the drinking part)! Also there is the whole debate about immersion or sprinkling when it comes to baptism. There are a few things they both agree on Sin, Forgiveness, Grace and Prayer. So let’s talk about those and how Southern Belles feel about them.

One thing about Southern religion that confuses me is how serious some people take it. Most Belles will tell you that the only difference between a prayer and a curse is the person who stands to profit from it. Curses sometimes can benefit most any Belle especially if it’s a "Bless her heart" curse. Prayers can be a bit subtler and one never knows if the answer comes from the almighty or from your own sense of revenge or self-preservation. Praying does make a Belle feel better about things. She can pray and tell the Lawd anything she wants and ask for everything she wants! Of course it doesn't mean she will get it but it sure is nice thinking about it! I mean if you're praying for your ex-husband to get run over by a bus and the slut he ran off with to get the crabs, I personally think that is a justifiable prayer. I know some will say get down on your knees and pray for the Lawd to forgive them of their sins. I think the Lawd has a sense of humor and feel confidant that the slut will get crabs! 

We Belles like to talk about others sins without drawing to much attention to our own. It’s true in our beloved south that the sins of the mother are often visited upon their daughters. Lawd help them Belle's if their mother's sins are reckless, willful, lustful, immoral and just plain shameless! That poor Belle doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever recovering. Southern Belles have a recklessness in their souls that cry out for bad boys and sin! I tell you the truth a clean living, hardworking man just doesn't stand a chance! They turn the Belles heart to ice but a wicked bad boy will make her lips part with a sigh and her legs spread open like the pearly gates of heaven (most of those bad boys think they've gone to heaven when a Belle spreads her legs). Yes, sin for a Belle can be most enjoyable!

I tell you a passionate woman and church go together like oil and water; they just don't mix! Every man in the church gazes upon her with lust in his heart (which is a sin). Why even the preacher who looks out over his congregation looks upon her and finds himself wanting to worship at her alter of love. Then he preaches endless on the sins of lust while secretly desiring after her. Sin is even a challenge for the preacher when he has a hot, sexy Belle sitting in his church! So why should the rest of us worry about sin? Well we all have to answer to the good Lawd but let’s remember we all have our sins. 

Forgiveness is really a leap of faith and the good Lawd only know it’s a 50/50 chance where you will land or if you will be shattered by your fall from grace. We can't talk about sin without talking about forgiveness! I can assure you every Southern Belle needs forgiving for something! Without it well, we  Belles would all just be fallen angels. I mean Heaven would be empty without the Lawd forgiving all us sinners! Now personally I'm not the forgiving and forgetting type of Belle as I'm not the Lawd nor do I have Alzheimer's! If I'm forgiving you then you need to worry, as I'm still thinking about  where to bury your body! Then I guess that would go back to sin and then I'd have to ask the Lawd for forgiving!  I tell you it's a never ending cycle! What's a Belle to do?

Grace has nothing to do with being “worthy” of it, Jesus died for our sins, we are all washed clean by his blood. The prostitute, drug addict, rapist and child molester have the gift of grace as well. This was hard for me to understand and accept at first. No sin is exempt from grace. I did think the "other" woman" should be exempt and should burn in hell but then again I'm not the good Lawd! Grace is given to everyone and it's a good thing! It doesn’t matter how big or small the sin. Indeed, we are all sinners in either word or action! Why we Belles all have shameful moments deep in our hearts that we don’t want people to know about. It's a good thing we have grace or us Belles would be lost souls for sure! I mean us poor Belles we have lusted after bad boys, thought about murdering our husbands, gossiped about our more indiscreet Belles, prayed for the other woman to gets crabs and Bless our hearts we even lead a preacher or two astray! I think we need the Lawd's grace for sure!

I will sum this up life without the good Lawd is like an un-sharpened pencil there is just no point!

Enjoy Y'all