Silencing the voice within...

The Ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love. Which includes not only others but ourselves.

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The last few weeks I’ve asked family, friends, co-workers and men I’ve dated to answer one question? If you could use one word to describe me what would it be?
 

I want to reveal to you what that was all in relation too. Why it was important to me.

Most people are surprised that I even asked that question. They say why do you care what other people think of you now, when you have never been concerned before?

Those people would be right in their assumption, I don’t care what people think about me BUT I do care how they feel about me and how I make them feel.

There was only one person in my life that I cared what they thought and felt. That person’s opinion was the driving force behind all my actions.

It got to the point pleasing them was almost impossible a task. I was always falling short no matter how hard I tried. It was never acceptable or I wasn’t good enough. It took a tremendous toll on my health. I developed ulcers, reflux, and anxiety. I was walking around on eggshells taking medication daily just to function.

I did not know at the time that the life I was living was causing all my problems. It wasn’t until after I was away from him for many months when I noticed that I know longer needed the stomach medications or the anxiety medication that I had been taking for 12 years.

It slowly started dawning on me that he was the reason! I was shocked and if you had told me while I was living with him that he was the reason; I would not have believed you. I was in total denial about my life.

When you are in an abusive relationship whether it’s with a partner, spouse, father, or mother all you hear day in and day out is how dreadful you are. That awful dialogue plays over and over in your mind like a broken record. Making you feel lacking, unworthy, inadequate, unlovable and insecure.

So, I asked myself “Why am I letting what that person thinks of me influence my life?” “Why do I still hear his voice inside my head?” "As long as I still hear his words inside my head he in essences still has some power over me?"

I’m intelligent enough to know that what one person thinks about you should not define you. If you hear it every day it does have the desired effect of demeaning you, making you seem small and insignificant.

The real truth is I know longer care at all what that person thinks of me. Still there are times when I hear that ugly voice pop into my head and I stop in my tracks out of habit.
 

My goal with the gifts of these words you gave me was to learn a little bit more about me through your eyes. I also wanted to silence the negative voice in my head and replace it with words that would help my spirit soar.

What I learned was that most people see me in a very different light than I see myself. It was refreshing to realize how people see me. Fifty four people responded and I thank all of you!

The most common word used to describe me was adventurous but only 6 people chose that one. Next was playful or fun, inspirational,straightforward or blunt, then brave or courageous, next came real or authentic, and passionate, feisty or sassy, then loyal and honest, vivacious, and impulsive all these words had two except for playful and inspirational they had three.

The next 26 words were different and yet similar. Outgoing, forceful, confident, artistic, survivor, original, extravagant, flamboyant, wonderful, exhilarating, intriguing, free spirited, bubbly, interesting, character, optimistic, natural, angel, wholehearted, family, smile, moody, vengeful, exuberant( joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic) motivated… (it takes lots of strength to keep moving forward and you have done it beautifully) and exception(that makes every rule irrelevant).

Those were the words people used to describe me. I never heard crazy, weird, stupid, lazy, selfish, b***h, worthless, s**t or I wish you were dead or I’m going to kill you.

The only time I heard I love you in the last 15 years was from my children, family or my friends. To know that the man I swore to love until death do us part would not be the least little bit kind to me was heartbreaking.

My heart has been painstakingly put back together again; thanks in part to all of you. I have replaced all those negative words with the positive gifts you gave me. The words that make my heart soar.

I realized through this exercise that I have been many things to many people and I have made a difference in some of these people’s lives. I touched their hearts like they have touched mine.

 Some of these people I have helped through a difficult time like cancer or the death of a loved one, some I just brought joy into their lives at different times in their lives.

Some people I have inspired to write, travel, take chances, or to have the courage to follow their heart and just be themselves.

 No matter what gift I have given you all. The blessings I have received from all of you far outweighed any I have given. Knowing all of you has made me an even better person. 

 I thank all of you for seeing what I could not.

A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.

-Mohandas Gandhi